It is a paradox that even though the desire for enlightenment, for happiness, etc. may have inspired our journey on the Path, we eventually need to let go of grasping – for special meditation experiences, happiness, enlightenment itself – as we get closer to the truth.
I have heard this in various ways from various teachers throughout the years:
“My desire for enlightenment was a hindrance to my practice.”
“When you let go of everything, you gain everything.”
Sounds reasonable enough, but throughout the years I have only acknowledged this on an intellectual level. My tendency to view the desire to achieve enlightenment as “good” held on strong, and I was more or less operating from this striving energy.
This changed, though, when I moved towards cultivating curiosity in my practice. Instead of ignoring or pushing away unwholesome mind states (such as desire), I would get interested in how those mind states feel in the body, especially compared to what it feels like when the mind and body are relaxed. This led to some interesting discoveries:
- Desire is often accompanied by tension in the body. It was easier for me to notice the stress that came with the anxiety to get something, but with practice, I realized that even the more exciting manifestations of desire – ever find yourself living out your travel plans in the middle of a meditation session? – still induce a subtle tenseness, a lurching-forward posture. In addition, when desire is accompanied by excitement and anticipation and feels “fun,” there would always be more resistance to letting go. Once I can relax the narrow focus of desire, though, I would discover that the peace of being unafflicted by grasping felt much better than the agitated mind states I was holding onto earlier.
- Desire takes energy away from the mind such that it cannot see things as they are. Experiencing this helped me to understand how desire for enlightenment can be a hindrance. An impatient question, like “Is a special/enlightenment experience coming?”, agitates the mind and obscures the clarity into the characteristics of reality that is a condition for enlightenment. The calmer you are, the easier this is to notice. The flow of changing phenomena, interrupted by a jolt of desire, comes to a halt: transitory sensations become more permanent, congealed into concepts, separated into self and other.
And, finally…
- Like all other phenomena, desire comes and goes when the right causes and conditions are present. Knowing this, I don’t have to make things more difficult by adding blame or shame to the situation. Instead, I can relax into the experience and simply let desire be and take its own time to fade.
The Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm likens the “letting be” experience to the surface of a lake that was disturbed by a rock – we don’t need to do anything to stop the ripples other than allowing the water to calm on its own. Then, without distortion, the scenery above is revealed to us on the lake’s mirror-like surface.
